Things to Do Over the Weekend....

Or you could simply...


Watch Smallville tonight. Yes, Smallville. Coincidentally, this past week both Mik Bitterman and Marja were shocked when I told them it was still on the air (They both said something like, "You're kidding? How is that still on the air?"). Yup, Smallville is currently in its NINTH year and it is somehow better than ever thanks to the smoking chemistry between Lois and Clark (thank heavens Tom Welling snapped back into shape) and a very, very pretty cast. In what I believe was a deliberate attempt to finally kill it, the CW moved it to Friday nights and got shocked when many fans (including me) followed it there. This absolute refusal to let this long in the tooth show die gracefully, led to this article here, titled, "Is Smallville the Cockroach of Genre TV?"


The cast of Smallville season 1. Nine years later, as the cast has gotten more and more attractive, only two remain (Lana and Lex quit, the others were fired) and those that are gone aint busy. Well...except for the brotha ("sigh") he was arrested and charged for peddling drugs in Hollywood. He should have saved some of that Smallville $$$. Although he was fired way back in Season 3.


You can check out Jim Carrey's official web-site. But read the EW article about it here. It is quite odd and certainly worth a visit but I suspect it is most enjoyed if one is stoned beyond reason.


You could go see The Men Who Stare at Goats. As I was going to do until I discovered the tepid Rotten Tomatoes score of 41% from the top critics. Beefy-Jon really wanted to see this and I feel bad to have to inform him that I only see movies that have a minimum of 76% from the top critics in the theatres. Otherwise I wait for the DVD. A pity. Ok, have to go tell him before he reads it here first!

Good Day & Enjoy Your Weekend.

Friday Fun for People Frightened by Blubbering

Marja sent me an article from The Onion titled, Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker and asked, "Did you write this???"

No, but I can see why she thought so after reading it. Here's a sample: Other staff members were also at a loss as to how to approach the crying man. Junior partner Russell Hanson told reporters that he had "absolutely no clue" what to say to Underwood and decided to ask administrative assistant Emily Koe to go talk to the tearful coworker, seeing as she is "a woman and all." "I really would, but I just don't know him well enough," said Koe, who has worked with Underwood for more than four years. "Someone should call his wife. If he has one."

I read the whole thing twice is was so damn funny. Check it out here.

What I Learned: Breaking Bread With Blow-Up

Sadly...my greed and heavy breathing prevented you from getting guacamole tips.

The Blow-Up Doll invited me over for dinner on Wednesday night and as I parked outside I exclaimed in glee, "Nemo and D3's cars are not here! YES! I won't have to suffer them. Its been a rough week with Question 1 passing in Maine so I'm glad only Blow-Up and Mik Bitterman are home!" When I walked inside I noticed the table was set for 5 (and it was a nice, formal table setting) so I asked, "Who else is coming?" Blow-Up chirped, "Nemo and D3 will be here soon. I knew you would notice that their cars were missing and get happy. And I knew the first thing you would ask when you walked in the door would be 'Why are there five table settings?' I also knew you would arrive hungry and not want to wait for them so I made something for you to snack on while we wait." She then brought out a big bowl of home-made guacamole with blue corn chips (I ate the whole thing) Blow-Up chirped some tips about making better guacamole but I was too busy wolfing it down and then trying to catch my breath to listen. But, I did listen to the following household suggestions and they were so useful I thought I'd share them with you, as a courtesy.



First Up: I saw a bowl of potatoes sitting on the corner and asked Blow Up, "Is that for decoration?" She sang, "Oh no! You should always take the potatoes out of the bag because it causes them to sweat and they don't stay fresh as long and they grow those awful sprouts sooner. You'll be surprised at how much longer they last out of the plastic bag!" The moment I got home I dumped the remaining portion of my 10-lb bag of potatoes ($2.99 at Vons last week w/coupon) into a big bowl. Potatoes are cheap, and white people LOVE them, so they are a staple in the kitchen and I'm grateful for this tip.




Before she served her amazing Nut-Crusted Halibut dinner and made Mik Bitterman stop playing video-games so we could watch Top Model (it was like Christmas), the Blow-Up Doll offered this chestnut, "Dryer sheets are really effective in cleaning blinds! The sheets pick up the dust nicely and leave a fresh scent as an added bonus." I kid you not, right after I poured the potatoes in the bowl, I tried to Suavitel the blinds but...I got tired after a few wipes and came close to passing out. Cleaning blinds is a heavy burden but I'll try to tackle it over the weekend.

One last, "Thanks Blow-Up!" and now we're done here.

Bitchy Weekly Columnist's Open Letter to Mimi

As the official ambassador to pumas and cougars everywhere, I'd like to send a well-intentioned note out to 40 year-old songbird Mariah Carey who is currently wedded to and bedding 29 year-old Nick Cannon (presumably on a pile of cash and perfume endorsement deals.....well at least in my fantasy).




Dear Mariah,

Unless you are Paris Hilton simulating oral sex on a western bacon cheeseburger, a black cut-down-to-there boy shorts monokini is not flattering on a middle-aged bum.

Regards and squats,
Marja

Some Sungha Jung: Now This is Nice

When Emo yelled, "T, come here! I want you to listen to this!" I lost all feeling in my right arm and the left side of my face went slack from pure dread. Would it be an experience as excruciating and miserable as the time he asked me to listen to that wretched rock band Mastodon? That was an experience so frightful that I pleaded, “Why the hell would anyone want to listen to something so abrasive and unpleasant?” To which he answered, “To rock out!” Well there’s the problem right there. I can assure you I’ve never “rocked out” in my life unless you count the few times the Jackson siblings, both Michael (Oprah rest his soul) and Janet, ventured into more “muscular” sounding musical territories. Much to my surprise, Emo played the video (posted above, as a courtesy) of child guitarist, Sungha Jhung, performing the Beatle’s Come Together. I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “This is nice,” and continued listening to Sungha’s fun interpretation of the Pirates of the Caribbean theme, before capping it off with his lovely, soothing version of Seal’s, A Kiss from a Rose. I love that song almost as much as the Xanax, I was certain I'd have to pop after listening to any of Emo's music, that was spared for another day.

Good Day

Blogger Owned as Bitch Sprint Rep Calls Bluff

So...remember all the smack I talked about getting a good phone, blue-tooth, and pound of flesh out of Sprint now that my contract has expired? Well that amounted to a whole lotta nothing. The mean-spirited and stubborn, cheap-ass Sprint customer service representative would not cough up a free Palm or Blackberry, as I desired, but did offer this eco-friendly (supposedly made out of recycled or recyclable parts) Samsung Reclaim as an alternative. I looked it up online and thought, "Oh, that looks cute," so I went into the Sprint store in Mission Valley to check it out and was assisted by a somewhat nerdy/trendy looking girl in hip spectacles and a smart bob (and I was grateful, the other salesclerks were all cheese-balls with low hanging baggy pants that just screamed "late teen/early twenties tool" and I was certainly in no mood to suffer them).


...it was physically impossible for me to use this phone. No matter how hard I tried my fat fingers would hit two keys at a time. I practiced sending a text message and broke out in a sweat from frustration. I barked, "I obviously can't use this phone! What else can you show me that is F-R-E-E but looks snappy and has speedy Internet?"


She disappeared in to the back room for a spell and had the gall to come back with this girlish, teeny-boppish, red phone. Twin has a phone similar to this and I had a vision of how ridiculous she looks when rapidly texting, while popping chewing gum, and I shuddered. I told the nerdy/trendy Sprint rep, "This is a phone for a sixteen year old girl. Do you have something more suitable for a grown man?" Then I pulled out my ace of spades, "My contract has expired so I could go activate with T-Mobile or Verizon (I loathe the spotty service of AT&T and won't even use them when posturing and bluffing) and get a Blackberry Pearl for free!" That hateful sales clerk then revealed what a nasty piece of work she actually was by trumping the hell out of me with, "Yes you could. But I see here you are paying $30 a month for 400 daytime minutes with nights and weekends starting at 7PM and you pay $20 a month for unlimited Internet, text-messaging, Sprint TV, navigation AND picture mail. Have you even looked at what you will pay with Verizon or T-Mobile? You will pay $40 for Internet alone. Maybe you should look into Boost mobile or Cricket first, but their phones aren't very nice." Then she stared at me with a "What now, bitch? What now? We both know your broke ass isn't going anywhere!" satisfaction, as I stood there flummoxed. I'd been pimp slapped with facts and then flattened by that Boost or Cricket nastiness (a low blow in my opinion, as I was already on the ropes). With my bluff smacked out of the air, I tried to save some face by stating,"Well, I'll just come back another day and maybe you'll have a better phone," and then shuffled out of the store burdened with the knowledge that she was going to brag to her co-workers, "Did you hear me check that fool?" So here I sit with my same, old ass phone, feeling like I don't belong because I have no contract, and licking my wounds while plotting my next move. Which is basically deciding between tiny keys or teeny-bop.


Good Day

Here Comes the Bride Bigot


Busted bigots that should be more focused on hair and make-up and less on hate, cackle with wicked glee, drunk with power as they continue to mobilize effectively and trample over civil rights.

One year ago today I was robbed of the joy of celebrating the election of our first black president because, by a slim 52%-48% margin, Prop 8 passed, and I stood by helplessly as I was stripped of my civil rights and, worst of all, my inability to legally marry made a mockery out of my hope chest.

Now, despite polls leading into the battle that suggested it would turn out differently, bigots proved yet again that hate will spur hillbillies and people that hide their hate in the guise of religion to the polls as populous, progressive areas like Portland (where 73 percent voted against Question 1) could not stave off the onslaught of the rural areas with bigot footholds. Question 1 currently has 53% of the vote and will pass. Its just a big mess and you can read about it here.


Bloated bigots cheer as it is announced over the loud speaker that another truck-load of donuts have arrived. Meanwhile an old bag of a bigot, invigorated by hate and feeling alive for the first time in years, drops to her knees in prayer and then begs a bigot to let her orally pleasure him with a "gummer". On another coast, a blogger drops to his knees to pray that old battle-axe kicks the bucket soon so there's one less bigot at the voting booth.

Go ahead and yuck it up bigots. Unlike last year, I'm not going to spend days crying about it because now I'm angry and am putting you on notice: We shall overcome muthaf*ckas and my hope chest will have its due.

Good Day.

The Blame Game

Reformed bigot Isaiah Washington lost his multi-million salary acting job after his inappropriate use of the word faggot on the set of Grey's Anatomy.

When Prop 8 passed here in California I blamed the bigots but also the uninformed and persons too lazy or apathetic to vote (YOU know who you!), but I admitted, “I should have done more to help!” and vowed to roll up my sleeves and join the fight for equality. With the battle on Question 1 in Maine in full swing, I took a break from masturbating furiously my busy social life and spent an evening at home to sign up for training at this web-site here, and then, after a little research on what was being done to aid in the battle, spent the rest of the evening looking at photographer Adam Bouska’s bizarre NOH8 photo collection. Like a shiny ball, this photo collection, filled with celebrities, good hair and exposed breasts and biceps, distracted me from my true task. I don’t even know what the duct tape over the mouth signifies or what he’s trying to accomplish here (besides off-beat bondage based titillation, if so then it is succesful) but I do know that they are as effective at fighting hate and promoting equality as a gummi-bear (actually the gummi bear may be more effective as I could possibly use it to bribe a fat bigot at the voting booth).


Kim from the Real Housewives of Atlanta fights hate with duct pasties.

So…I blame myself for getting distracted by chests and cleavage, on a campaign that is designed to fight hate (oh the irony!) , and not pitching in and making phone calls. I also blame Obama. You heard me. Maine swung for Obama big time in last year’s election so perhaps a little support from him would have made all the difference. Instead he chose to do NOTHING after he made campaign promises that he would fight for equality. He should know better. Oh, and if you are reading this, I blame you too. Out of spite.


Pete Wentz and his dumb wife.


Tia Tequila. Famous lately for getting roughed up by a San Diego Charger.


Ben from Lost! Michael Emerson proves you don't have to be hot to fight hate. Although I wish they'd saved the handcuffs for...


This guy here. Soap-opera actor/Model, Brandon Something, does little besides distract proponents of equality. I'm over this. My new plan is to infiltrate the Mormon Church and get some tips on how to run a ruthless and effective campaign.

Good Day

Esteemed Nationally Published Editor With Good Hair Graces Us With Guest Blog

Your Editor-In-Chief went to Philly this past week-end and has come back with quite the treat: A Guest Blog from Comcast entertainment editor and nationally published columnist, Victor Balta (!!!). I religiously followed Vic's no-nonsense coverage of American Idol last season so I anxiously awaited this guest column. I was Certain that it would bring national exposure and an air of validity to this humble blog. Well...Vic's topics of the death of the stadium, rock concerts, acoustics and mentions of Eddie Vedder and Metallica were a bit too muscular for my tastes and sent me scrambling over to TMZ to see what Mimi is up too these days. Perhaps you'll get more pleasure out of....

Victor's Guest Blog: Die Stadium Die!


Saturday night was big in Philadelphia. The eyes of sports fans across the country were focused on the Phillies, who were hosting the Yankees in Game 3 of the World Series. But across the street from Citizens Bank Park, Pearl Jam offered up 41 rock tunes in a more than three-and-a-half-hour show that was an epic sendoff for The Spectrum.


The Spectrum

Maybe you've heard of it, maybe not. Built in 1967, the arena was the longtime home of the Philadelphia Flyers and the 76ers until they moved to the bigger, nicer and full-of-luxury-suites Wachovia Center that was built next door in 1996. Known for its great acoustics, it hosted every major rock act of the past four decades, including Elvis, The Grateful Dead (a record 53 times), Bruce Springsteen and a nearly endless list of others. That list ended Saturday with Pearl Jam.

The band paid tribute to the arena with four concerts over a five-day span, starting each one with a video montage of great moments in the arena's history. There were bits from concerts, highlights of Dr. J dunking for the 76ers and Bobby Clarke and the Flyers in their hey day. The band then came on stage on with the theme from "Rocky" blaring through the speakers. Yes, the Spectrum was even the fictional home of the showdown between Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed in "Rocky."

I'm not from Philly. It was interesting to be there for such a historic moment, but having only lived here for three years, it wasn't much more than a curiosity.


The Forum

But it got me thinking about The Forum. The Fabulous Forum, The Great Western Forum. The Plain Old Forum. Whatever you want to call it, the iconic round building just east of LAX in Inglewood was my Spectrum.

Take that video montage and replace Dr. J with Magic Johnson; replace Bobby Clarke and the Flyers with Wayne Gretzky and the L.A. Kings, and you'd see the moments that made The Forum such a huge part of L.A.'s history.

I'm not entirely ashamed to admit that my first real concert was a Bon Jovi show (with Skid Row opening) on April 26, 1989. I was 12.

A year later, I saw Motley Crue there. A couple of months after that, it was Aerosmith. It was the first place where I saw Metallica and Neil Diamond -- not on the same night.

All at The Forum.

The Forum was built in 1967 -- the same year as The Spectrum.

The Lakers and Kings have moved to the fancy new Staples Center, and most of the concerts have followed. But The Forum still stands. It's owned by a church now, but still sometimes hosts "secular" events, including Metallica, AC/DC, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and others in recent years.

The Spectrum is being torn down to make way for a hotel.


Ebbets Field...Apartments.

Ebbets Field -- the one-time home of the Brooklyn Dodgers -- is now an apartment building.

Shea Stadium, the longtime home of the Mets and the place where 55,000 people saw The Beatles in 1965 is now a parking lot.

The original Yankee Stadium was replaced by a $1.6 billion monstrosity across the street and is slated for demolition to be replaced by a 10-acre park. The House the Ruth Built will be no more. Maybe the wrecking ball operator will at least take a moment to call his shot before tearing it down.

The Forum is a shell of its former self, but maybe that's good enough. If I'm lucky, even a decrepit old building will be standing there so I can point it out to my kid one day and tell him that's where I first saw Guns 'n' Roses. It'd be pretty depressing to have to say, "You see where that Holiday Inn is? That's where..."

"The Romans and the Greeks, they kept their coliseums," Eddie Vedder told the crowd Saturday night at the Spectrum. "Why can't we?"

Good question, Eddie. Maybe the Almighty dollar is too appealing. Maybe I'm just being too nostalgic.

Whatever the case, don't go looking for The Spectrum in your rear-view mirror. It won't be there.

It's evolution, baby.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boston_marriage

CJ Crash is the Assistant Director of the Compass Theatre (the cramped venue formerly known as 6th and Penn) production of David Mamet's Boston Marriage (A tale of bigots and oppressed lesbians. Remarkably relevant now more than ever) sent out this desperate e-mail yesterday:

For anyone who has spoken to me in the last month you know that I have been crazy busy. It's because I've been working on a play in the evenings. It's been a crazy experience but the show turned out great in the end. I think it's quite enjoyable and very funny. Please come out and see the show! Your ticket will hopefully help make sure I actually get paid.

Holy crap! That's pretty serious. Not attending this show is coming between CJ Crash and her money. Compass theatre is so absurdly small that I get claustrophobic but I may have to suck it up and go. Especially since, back in the day, I would routinely tell the pick-up truck driving but cock hungry CJ Crash that "You would be so much more interesting if you were a lesbian." And she would be. At least she's putting on a lesbian play.

Tickets are available here.